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Table of Contents
About The Book
Eden and Josh decide to give their relationship another chance in this much anticipated sequel to the New York Times bestseller The Way I Used to Be that “highlights with painful honesty the process of moving forward following trauma” (Kirkus Reviews).
Eden and Josh never had a fair shot at a healthy relationship. When they dated in high school, they each had their own problems getting in the way of the deep connection they felt toward one another. Unbeknownst to Josh, Eden was carrying the burden of a devastating sexual assault, while Josh was dealing with his own private struggle of having an alcoholic father.
Months after Eden and two other girls publicly accuse their rapist, Eden is starting college while her case goes to trial. Now when she and Josh reconnect, it seems like it might finally be in the right place at the right time for them to make it work. But is their love strong enough to withstand the challenges and chaos of college and the crushing realities of a trial that will determine whether Eden gets the justice she deserves?
Eden and Josh never had a fair shot at a healthy relationship. When they dated in high school, they each had their own problems getting in the way of the deep connection they felt toward one another. Unbeknownst to Josh, Eden was carrying the burden of a devastating sexual assault, while Josh was dealing with his own private struggle of having an alcoholic father.
Months after Eden and two other girls publicly accuse their rapist, Eden is starting college while her case goes to trial. Now when she and Josh reconnect, it seems like it might finally be in the right place at the right time for them to make it work. But is their love strong enough to withstand the challenges and chaos of college and the crushing realities of a trial that will determine whether Eden gets the justice she deserves?
Excerpt
1. Eden EDEN
I’m disappearing again. It starts at the edges, my extremities blurring. Fingers and toes go staticky and numb with no warning at all. I grip the edge of the bathroom sink and try to hold myself up, but my hands won’t work. My arms are weak. And now my knees want to buckle too.
Next, it’s my heart, pumping fast and jagged.
I try to take a breath.
Lungs are cement, heavy and stiff.
I never should have agreed to this. Not yet. Too soon.
I swipe my hand across the steamy mirror, and my reflection fogs over too quickly. I choke on a laugh or a sob, I can’t tell which, because I really am disappearing. Literally, figuratively, and every way in between. I’m almost gone. Closing my eyes tightly, I try to locate one thought—just one—the thing she said to do when this happens.
Count five things you can see. I open my eyes. Toothbrushes in the ceramic holder. One. Okay, it’s okay. Two: my phone, there on the counter, lighting up with a series of texts. Three: a glass of water, blistered with condensation. Four: the amber prescription bottle full of pills I’m trying so hard not to need. I look down at my hands, still not right. That’s five.
Four things you can feel. Water dripping off my hair and down my back, over my shoulders. Smooth tiles slippery under my feet. Starchy towel wrapped around my damp body. The porcelain sink, cool and hard against the palms of my tingling hands.
Three sounds. The exhaust fan whirring, the shallow huff and gasp of my breathing getting faster, and a knock on the bathroom door.
Two smells. Peaches and cream shampoo. Eucalyptus body wash.
One taste. Stinging mint mouthwash with notes of lingering vomit underneath, making me gag all over again. I swallow hard.
“Fuck’s sake,” I hiss, swiping the mirror again. This time with both hands, one over the other, scrubbing at the glass. I refuse to give in to this. Not tonight. I clench my fingers into fists until I can feel my knuckles crack. I inhale, too sharply, and finally manage to get some air into my body. “You’re okay,” I exhale. “I’m okay,” I lie.
I’m staring down into the black circle of the drain as my eyes drift back over to the bottle. Fine. I twist the cap in my useless hands and let one chalky tablet tumble into my palm. I swallow it, I swallow it good. And then I down the entire glass of water in one gulp, letting tiny rivulets stream out of the corners of my mouth, down my neck, not even bothering to wipe them away.
“Edy?” It’s my mom, knocking on the door again. “Everything all right? Mara’s here to pick you up.”
“Yeah, I—” My breath catches on the word. “I’m almost ready.”
I’m disappearing again. It starts at the edges, my extremities blurring. Fingers and toes go staticky and numb with no warning at all. I grip the edge of the bathroom sink and try to hold myself up, but my hands won’t work. My arms are weak. And now my knees want to buckle too.
Next, it’s my heart, pumping fast and jagged.
I try to take a breath.
Lungs are cement, heavy and stiff.
I never should have agreed to this. Not yet. Too soon.
I swipe my hand across the steamy mirror, and my reflection fogs over too quickly. I choke on a laugh or a sob, I can’t tell which, because I really am disappearing. Literally, figuratively, and every way in between. I’m almost gone. Closing my eyes tightly, I try to locate one thought—just one—the thing she said to do when this happens.
Count five things you can see. I open my eyes. Toothbrushes in the ceramic holder. One. Okay, it’s okay. Two: my phone, there on the counter, lighting up with a series of texts. Three: a glass of water, blistered with condensation. Four: the amber prescription bottle full of pills I’m trying so hard not to need. I look down at my hands, still not right. That’s five.
Four things you can feel. Water dripping off my hair and down my back, over my shoulders. Smooth tiles slippery under my feet. Starchy towel wrapped around my damp body. The porcelain sink, cool and hard against the palms of my tingling hands.
Three sounds. The exhaust fan whirring, the shallow huff and gasp of my breathing getting faster, and a knock on the bathroom door.
Two smells. Peaches and cream shampoo. Eucalyptus body wash.
One taste. Stinging mint mouthwash with notes of lingering vomit underneath, making me gag all over again. I swallow hard.
“Fuck’s sake,” I hiss, swiping the mirror again. This time with both hands, one over the other, scrubbing at the glass. I refuse to give in to this. Not tonight. I clench my fingers into fists until I can feel my knuckles crack. I inhale, too sharply, and finally manage to get some air into my body. “You’re okay,” I exhale. “I’m okay,” I lie.
I’m staring down into the black circle of the drain as my eyes drift back over to the bottle. Fine. I twist the cap in my useless hands and let one chalky tablet tumble into my palm. I swallow it, I swallow it good. And then I down the entire glass of water in one gulp, letting tiny rivulets stream out of the corners of my mouth, down my neck, not even bothering to wipe them away.
“Edy?” It’s my mom, knocking on the door again. “Everything all right? Mara’s here to pick you up.”
“Yeah, I—” My breath catches on the word. “I’m almost ready.”
Reading Group Guide
Reading Group Guide
The Way I Am Now
By Amber Smith
About This Book
The unthinkable happened to Eden, and it came close to ruining her life. She’d been on a trajectory full of desperate decisions, self-destructive behavior, and unbearable pain. But now she has told others about what happened, and Kevin is going to have to face the consequences of what he did. So why isn’t Eden’s life back to normal? Her dad barely talks to her, and her brother’s life has been turned upside down. Her friends don’t seem to know how to treat her, and Eden just can’t seem to move forward. She’s tried everything she can think of—therapy, dating a “nice” guy, working hard at her schoolwork, and getting a job—but she just can’t help but feel like she’s still in survival mode.
When she finds out that she’s been admitted to Tucker Hill University, Eden can’t wait to accept. In a new city and a new environment, she can start to rebuild her life without confronting a bad memory at every turn. And if she’s able to reconnect with Josh in a meaningful way, all the better.
And at first it works. She and Josh pick up where they left off with one big difference— this time there are no secrets between them. But Eden has a lot of baggage, and Josh isn’t always sure he’s doing the right thing. Can they each put aside their pasts long enough to build a future together? And is their relationship built on trust or something altogether shakier?
Discussion Questions
1. The book begins with Eden saying, “I’m disappearing again,” which is a familiar feeling for her. (p. 1) What are some other times that Eden “disappears” or “slips away”? Why does she do it? Is it on purpose? Are there times when she is very present and not in danger of disappearing at all?
2. Why is Eden grateful to Cameron for not pretending to be nice to her? Are there other people who treat her as normal? How does Cameron’s attitude toward her change over the course of the book?
3. Eden’s medication calms her panic attacks but also dulls her emotions. At one point, she says, “I’m suddenly unsure if I can trust myself to even know whether I’m safe or not with that part of me dormant.” (p. 11) Do you think she can trust herself to recognize unsafe situations? Discuss your feelings about the costs and benefits of medications like the one Eden is taking.
4. When Eden sees Josh at the concert, she says, “There’s nothing I needed more tonight than this, with Josh. And God, how I am not used to getting what I need.” (p. 24) Why do you think this is? Who is not giving Eden what she needs?
5. How does Kevin get a high-powered defense attorney? How does this make Eden feel? Why is Josh so bitter about it?
6. Why is Eden dating Steve? What effect does Eden’s past have on their relationship? Why does she end it with him?
7. How has Eden’s relationship with Mara changed since she told everyone about the rape? Before the trial, Mara says, “‘You never gave me the chance to be a good friend to you.’” (p. 256) Why did Eden do this? How does Eden change her relationship with Mara after this confession?
8. Why does Josh get drunk after the concert while hanging out with his high school friends? What are the repercussions for his drunken evening? Is it fair to Josh that his parents put so much pressure on him to remain sober?
9. When thinking about their high school relationship, Josh says, “Eden was angry and I was sad, and we shouldn’t have worked but we did.” (p. 113) Do you think this is true? How do these roles shift throughout the novel? How does this past relationship affect Josh’s dealings with Bella?
10. Why is it so important to Eden that she leave home and go away to school? What aspects of her life, both positive and negative, is she leaving behind? Why do you think Caelin makes the opposite decision and stays home instead of going back to school?
11. Why is Josh so worried about his behavior toward Eden during high school? What about Eden’s behavior back then might make him think that he might have pressured her?
12. What qualities make Parker a good friend for Eden and Josh? What about Dominic? How do they support the couple, and what do they get from the friendship?
13. When Josh and Eden have sex again for the first time since high school, she says, “I’ve never been so present . . . I realize, I’m crying. Crying because I’ve never felt this way before. About him, about myself. I don’t even know what it is, but I feel it in my body, my heart, my mind, everywhere—it’s everything. And then I know, all at once: This feeling is freedom.” (p. 203) Why didn’t she have this feeling any of the other times she had sex, even with Josh? What makes this time different? Why do you think she calls it “freedom”?
14. Why doesn’t Eden want Josh to attend the hearing with her? How does Josh feel about this?
15. Who or what made Eden feel like a jack-o’-lantern? (p. 293) How do you feel about her metaphor? How does she find her way to feeling human again?
16. Why is Eden’s nightmare so traumatic for Josh? For Eden? How does it change their relationship?
17. How did Eden respond to Josh’s strong reaction about her slip-up with her birth control pills? Was it fair of her to put him in this position? Why did he react the way he does? What did he mean when he said, “‘This is you’”? Why was this statement so triggering for Eden? (p. 335)
18. Why does Josh play basketball? What does it mean to him? Why has he grown to resent it so much? Why does his playing improve after he and Eden break up?
19. It is very important to Eden that she make people understand why she didn’t say no to Kevin when he was raping her. Why does her answer make the defense attorney so angry?
20. The format of The Way I Am Now is very different than that of The Way I Used to Be, with Josh and Eden narrating alternate chapters. Why do you think the author chose to make this change? Why was it important that both their voices be heard?
Extension Activities
1. When Eden feels a panic attack coming on, she checks in with all five of her senses to ground herself in the moment. The next time you are feeling stressed or on the verge of losing control, try this exercise. Or commit to doing it once a day to keep yourself present and calm.
2. After the first hearing, Eden and Josh read a lot of upsetting articles and comments about the case. Journalists are supposed to be fair and unbiased, but often make their own opinions of the topic known in the text. Choose a current event, such as a court case or a political movement, and find a variety of articles about it from different writers and news sources. Make a list of the differences between how the facts are presented and write a short essay about the biases that you find in the reporting.
3. Is there a group in your school or community that either provides peer counseling or works to end violence against women? Learn how you can become a volunteer and help people like Eden.
4. Eden baked a cake and learned how to make special frosting for Josh’s birthday. Try your hand at baking a cake and see if you can make the frosting from scratch. Think about how it felt to work on this project: Was it calming and relaxing, or frustrating? Why?
5. Eden and Josh were meant to be together despite all the circumstances working to keep them apart. Choose another pair of star-crossed lovers in literature and write a report on the similarities and differences between the two couples. If you chose a couple who do not have a happy ending, rewrite their ending to one that you prefer.
Guide written by Cory Grimminck, Director of the Portland District Library in Michigan.
This guide has been provided by Simon & Schuster for classroom, library, and reading group use. It may be reproduced in its entirety or excerpted for these purposes. For more Simon & Schuster guides and classroom materials, please visit simonandschuster.net or simonandschuster.net/thebookpantry.
The Way I Am Now
By Amber Smith
About This Book
The unthinkable happened to Eden, and it came close to ruining her life. She’d been on a trajectory full of desperate decisions, self-destructive behavior, and unbearable pain. But now she has told others about what happened, and Kevin is going to have to face the consequences of what he did. So why isn’t Eden’s life back to normal? Her dad barely talks to her, and her brother’s life has been turned upside down. Her friends don’t seem to know how to treat her, and Eden just can’t seem to move forward. She’s tried everything she can think of—therapy, dating a “nice” guy, working hard at her schoolwork, and getting a job—but she just can’t help but feel like she’s still in survival mode.
When she finds out that she’s been admitted to Tucker Hill University, Eden can’t wait to accept. In a new city and a new environment, she can start to rebuild her life without confronting a bad memory at every turn. And if she’s able to reconnect with Josh in a meaningful way, all the better.
And at first it works. She and Josh pick up where they left off with one big difference— this time there are no secrets between them. But Eden has a lot of baggage, and Josh isn’t always sure he’s doing the right thing. Can they each put aside their pasts long enough to build a future together? And is their relationship built on trust or something altogether shakier?
Discussion Questions
1. The book begins with Eden saying, “I’m disappearing again,” which is a familiar feeling for her. (p. 1) What are some other times that Eden “disappears” or “slips away”? Why does she do it? Is it on purpose? Are there times when she is very present and not in danger of disappearing at all?
2. Why is Eden grateful to Cameron for not pretending to be nice to her? Are there other people who treat her as normal? How does Cameron’s attitude toward her change over the course of the book?
3. Eden’s medication calms her panic attacks but also dulls her emotions. At one point, she says, “I’m suddenly unsure if I can trust myself to even know whether I’m safe or not with that part of me dormant.” (p. 11) Do you think she can trust herself to recognize unsafe situations? Discuss your feelings about the costs and benefits of medications like the one Eden is taking.
4. When Eden sees Josh at the concert, she says, “There’s nothing I needed more tonight than this, with Josh. And God, how I am not used to getting what I need.” (p. 24) Why do you think this is? Who is not giving Eden what she needs?
5. How does Kevin get a high-powered defense attorney? How does this make Eden feel? Why is Josh so bitter about it?
6. Why is Eden dating Steve? What effect does Eden’s past have on their relationship? Why does she end it with him?
7. How has Eden’s relationship with Mara changed since she told everyone about the rape? Before the trial, Mara says, “‘You never gave me the chance to be a good friend to you.’” (p. 256) Why did Eden do this? How does Eden change her relationship with Mara after this confession?
8. Why does Josh get drunk after the concert while hanging out with his high school friends? What are the repercussions for his drunken evening? Is it fair to Josh that his parents put so much pressure on him to remain sober?
9. When thinking about their high school relationship, Josh says, “Eden was angry and I was sad, and we shouldn’t have worked but we did.” (p. 113) Do you think this is true? How do these roles shift throughout the novel? How does this past relationship affect Josh’s dealings with Bella?
10. Why is it so important to Eden that she leave home and go away to school? What aspects of her life, both positive and negative, is she leaving behind? Why do you think Caelin makes the opposite decision and stays home instead of going back to school?
11. Why is Josh so worried about his behavior toward Eden during high school? What about Eden’s behavior back then might make him think that he might have pressured her?
12. What qualities make Parker a good friend for Eden and Josh? What about Dominic? How do they support the couple, and what do they get from the friendship?
13. When Josh and Eden have sex again for the first time since high school, she says, “I’ve never been so present . . . I realize, I’m crying. Crying because I’ve never felt this way before. About him, about myself. I don’t even know what it is, but I feel it in my body, my heart, my mind, everywhere—it’s everything. And then I know, all at once: This feeling is freedom.” (p. 203) Why didn’t she have this feeling any of the other times she had sex, even with Josh? What makes this time different? Why do you think she calls it “freedom”?
14. Why doesn’t Eden want Josh to attend the hearing with her? How does Josh feel about this?
15. Who or what made Eden feel like a jack-o’-lantern? (p. 293) How do you feel about her metaphor? How does she find her way to feeling human again?
16. Why is Eden’s nightmare so traumatic for Josh? For Eden? How does it change their relationship?
17. How did Eden respond to Josh’s strong reaction about her slip-up with her birth control pills? Was it fair of her to put him in this position? Why did he react the way he does? What did he mean when he said, “‘This is you’”? Why was this statement so triggering for Eden? (p. 335)
18. Why does Josh play basketball? What does it mean to him? Why has he grown to resent it so much? Why does his playing improve after he and Eden break up?
19. It is very important to Eden that she make people understand why she didn’t say no to Kevin when he was raping her. Why does her answer make the defense attorney so angry?
20. The format of The Way I Am Now is very different than that of The Way I Used to Be, with Josh and Eden narrating alternate chapters. Why do you think the author chose to make this change? Why was it important that both their voices be heard?
Extension Activities
1. When Eden feels a panic attack coming on, she checks in with all five of her senses to ground herself in the moment. The next time you are feeling stressed or on the verge of losing control, try this exercise. Or commit to doing it once a day to keep yourself present and calm.
2. After the first hearing, Eden and Josh read a lot of upsetting articles and comments about the case. Journalists are supposed to be fair and unbiased, but often make their own opinions of the topic known in the text. Choose a current event, such as a court case or a political movement, and find a variety of articles about it from different writers and news sources. Make a list of the differences between how the facts are presented and write a short essay about the biases that you find in the reporting.
3. Is there a group in your school or community that either provides peer counseling or works to end violence against women? Learn how you can become a volunteer and help people like Eden.
4. Eden baked a cake and learned how to make special frosting for Josh’s birthday. Try your hand at baking a cake and see if you can make the frosting from scratch. Think about how it felt to work on this project: Was it calming and relaxing, or frustrating? Why?
5. Eden and Josh were meant to be together despite all the circumstances working to keep them apart. Choose another pair of star-crossed lovers in literature and write a report on the similarities and differences between the two couples. If you chose a couple who do not have a happy ending, rewrite their ending to one that you prefer.
Guide written by Cory Grimminck, Director of the Portland District Library in Michigan.
This guide has been provided by Simon & Schuster for classroom, library, and reading group use. It may be reproduced in its entirety or excerpted for these purposes. For more Simon & Schuster guides and classroom materials, please visit simonandschuster.net or simonandschuster.net/thebookpantry.
About The Author
Photo by Deborah Triplett
Amber Smith
Amber Smith is the New York Times, USA TODAY, and internationally bestselling author of the young adult novels The Way I Used to Be, The Last to Let Go, Something Like Gravity, and The Way I Am Now. An advocate for increased awareness of gendered violence and LGBTQIA+ equality, she writes in the hope that her books can help foster change and spark dialogue. She lives in Ithaca, New York, with her wife and coauthor, Sam Gellar, and their ever-growing family of rescued dogs and cats. You can find her online at AmberSmithAuthor.com.
Why We Love It
“The Way I Used to Be is a modern classic—one that left readers clamoring for more of Eden’s story! We’re so excited to revisit Eden and Josh’s relationship, as well as Eden’s continuing quest for justice as she continues to heal from her sexual assault.”
—Nicole F., Editor, on The Way I Am Now
Product Details
- Publisher: Margaret K. McElderry Books (November 7, 2023)
- Length: 432 pages
- ISBN13: 9781665947107
- Ages: 14 - 99
Raves and Reviews
“A magnificent and tenderly crafted novel that brings Eden’s journey to a fitting and honest close. Smith’s sequel is an empathetic and unflinching look at the journey through trauma to a place of healing and hope.”
– Kathleen Glasgow, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Girl in Pieces and The Agathas
“Readers who were captivated by Amber Smith's heartbreaking debut, The Way I Used To Be, will no doubt remember Eden and Josh, whose love story never had a real chance to take shape. The Way I Am Now is an absolute stunner of a sequel: a brave, complex journey of healing, relationships, and life after trauma. Amber Smith writes with unparalleled emotional nuance, and in her very capable hands, Eden and Josh are able to navigate new terrain both together and as individuals. A tender, vulnerable, and hopeful book that probes the intricate depths of human emotion.”
– Laurie Elizabeth Flynn, author of The Girls Are All So Nice Here and All Eyes on Her
“Amber Smith has a way of holding our hearts so even the hardest things seem possible. With The Way I Am Now, she shows us that the potential of love and healing, no matter how messy, are already, and always, inside us.”
– Amy Reed, author of The Nowhere Girls
“I could not put it down—a moving and powerful portrayal of trauma, love, and hope.”
– Alyssa Sheinmel, New York Times bestselling author of A Danger to Herself and Others
“The Way I Am Now is powerful read from Amber Smith.”
– Culturess
“Highlights with painful honesty the process of moving forward following trauma.”
– Kirkus
“Amber Smith centers the complex healing process and evolution of a promising relationship in The Way I Am Now."
– Publishers Weekly
Resources and Downloads
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- Book Cover Image (jpg): The Way I Am Now Hardcover 9781665947107
- Author Photo (jpg): Amber Smith Photo by Deborah Triplett(0.1 MB)
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